Separation Anxiety at School (Tips for Preschool & Beyond)
Whether your toddler is heading to preschool for the first time or your older child is dealing with back-to-school jitters, separation anxiety can hit hard. Mornings might involve tears, clingy hugs, or emotional goodbyes that leave you both feeling off for the rest of the day.
The good news? Separation anxiety is totally normal, and there are simple ways to ease the transition for kids of all ages. With a little preparation and a lot of love, you can help your child feel more secure and confident during this exciting time, especially at the start of a new school year.
Let’s walk through what separation anxiety actually is and how to help your child manage it, whether they’re three or thirteen.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is that nervous, uneasy feeling kids (and also adults) sometimes get when they’re apart from someone they love, usually a parent or primary caregiver. It’s a completely normal part of development, especially in younger children, but it can show up at any age when routines change or in new situations, like a new teacher or school setting.
Some kids may cry, cling, or express fear about being left alone in new places, while others might become more quiet, withdrawn, or even act out in unexpected ways. The key is to recognize the signs of separation anxiety for what they are: a temporary, manageable part of growing up.
How to Prepare Before the First Day of School
A lot of anxiety stems from the unknown, so one of the most helpful things you can do is get your child familiar with what’s ahead. Whether they’re starting day care, preschool, or heading into middle school, preparation builds confidence.
Talk Through the Day
Go over what a typical school day might look like. Talk about drop-off, classroom routines, lunchtime, and pick-up. Keep it simple and upbeat. For young children, the best way you can do this is to use clear visuals like pictures or drawings. For older ones, let them ask questions and share what they’re curious (or worried) about.
Meet the Teacher (If You Can)
Even a quick introduction to your child's teacher before the first day helps make school feel more familiar. If in-person isn’t possible, look for videos or pictures on the school website to help put a face to the name.
Explore the School
Does your school host an open house? Let your child check out their classroom, playground, or even just walk the halls. Seeing the new environment where they’ll be going can make a big difference in reducing their fear of the unknown.
Plan a Pre-School Playdate
If your child knows someone in their class, try setting up a get-together before school starts. Having at least one familiar face is a great way to ease nerves on that first day.
Keep the Vibes Positive
Even if you're feeling nervous yourself, do your best to keep your tone confident and encouraging. Kids are great at picking up on our energy. If you sound excited about school, it helps them feel that way too.
Read Books Together
Especially for younger kids, picture books can help them process their feelings through relatable stories. Try some of these great options:
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Bye-Bye Time by Elizabeth Verdick
Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney
Age-Specific Strategies That Actually Work
Separation anxiety doesn’t look the same for every child, and how you respond might change depending on your kid's age. You can tailor your support based on the stage they’re currently in.
Toddlers & Preschoolers
Keep goodbyes short and sweet. A long goodbye can make things worse for young toddlers. Be warm, say your goodbye, and then leave confidently.
Use a comfort item or 'transitional object'. A stuffed animal, small family photo, or something that smells like home can be super reassuring.
Create a goodbye ritual. A special hug-kiss-wave combo or a “See you later, alligator” can give a sense of routine and comfort.
Avoid over-explaining. It's a good idea to keep it simple: “I’m going to work, and I’ll see you after snack and playtime.”
Elementary-Aged Kids
Let them take ownership. Packing their backpack, picking out an outfit, or writing their own checklist can help build their confidence.
Use visuals. A calendar, chart or visual schedule showing school days and breaks helps them understand the routine.
Practice the routine. Before school actually begins is a good time to do a few dry runs of the morning routine, school drop-off, or even walking to their classroom.
Teach coping tools. Simple breathing techniques or a little mantra to repeat, like “I’m brave and strong,” can make a difference.
Older Children & Tweens
Create space for deeper conversations. Ask what’s on their mind and listen without jumping in to fix everything.
Acknowledge social worries. Whether it’s friend drama or feeling like the “new kid,” their feelings are valid.
Collaborate on a plan. Ask them what might help them get through this hard time. Sometimes just having ‘a say’ can calm nerves.
Encourage personal routines. Whether it's journaling, music, or a quiet breakfast, older kids mental health can benefit from grounding activities too.
Create Calming Morning Routines
Chaotic mornings = anxious drop-offs. A peaceful start with a consistent routine helps everyone feel more grounded. Here are some ideas to help you build a morning routine:
Lay out clothes the night before.
Pack lunches and backpacks ahead of time.
Decide on breakfast together so there are no surprises.
Use a visual checklist (especially helpful for younger kids).
Wake up earlier to avoid rushing.
Keep the tone light and cheerful. Save the heavy convos for another time. Focus on small talk, hugs, and encouragement.
Saying Goodbye
Even with the best preparation, that moment of separation can still feel like a tough time. Use these tricks to help ease the transition:
School Drop-Off Strategies That Work
Create a Goodbye Ritual
Whether it’s a secret handshake, a silly phrase, or a “hug, kiss, high five,” repetition is comforting. Kids start to anticipate the routine, and that helps create a sense of calm.
Don’t Sneak Away
As tempting as it might be, slipping out when they’re distracted can backfire. It erodes trust and often leads to more clinginess the next time.
Don’t Linger Too Long
A drawn-out goodbye often increases anxiety. Sticking around too long can send the message that you’re not sure about leaving. A calm, confident goodbye helps your child feel secure.
Be Clear About When You’ll Return
Young kids don't have a clear concept of time yet. Instead of saying “I'll be back in a little bit,” say something specific like: “I’ll see you after story time and snack,” or “I’ll be here right when the bell rings.” This gives kids something solid to hold onto.
Remind Them You Always Come Back
At the end of the day or pickup time, casually reinforce that you followed through by saying something like: “See? I came back just like I said I would!” Repetition helps them build trust and confidence and decrease your child's worries.
Helping Kids Build Emotional Resilience
Beyond the first day or two of school, there are things you can do daily to help your child feel emotionally secure over time.
Normalize Their Feelings
Say things like, “It’s okay to feel nervous” or “A lot of kids feel this way when something’s new.” Knowing they’re not alone is a powerful feeling.
Stick to Routines
Consistency helps kids know what to expect. Predictable rhythms are especially helpful during times of change.
Stay in Touch with Teachers
Teachers and school staff are often your best allies. Let them know if your child is struggling so they can offer support on their end, too.
Celebrate Wins
Even small steps forward deserve praise. “You walked into class all by yourself today—that was really brave!”
Teach Simple Calming Tools
Kids don’t always know how to calm their bodies or minds on their own, especially when they’re overwhelmed. Try teaching them techniques ahead of time to give them something to lean on in tough moments.
Try This Basic Breathing Exercise:
Sit with your child in a cozy spot. Say, “This helps me feel better when I’m feeling nervous.”
Relax your body: hands in your lap, soft shoulders.
Inhale slowly through your nose as you raise one hand (count to five silently).
Exhale slowly through your nose as you lower your hand (count to five again).
Let your child copy you. Do it together a few times.
Practicing this when they’re calm helps them use it later when they’re upset.
Encourage Positive Self-Talk
Teach your child simple, empowering phrases they can say to themselves:
“I can do this.”
“I’m safe.”
“I’ll see Mom after lunch.”
“I’m getting braver every day.”
Even if it feels silly at first, it genuinely works to rewire their thinking over time.
When To Ask For Help
Most separation anxiety fades with time after the first few weeks of school. Still, if your child’s distress is intense, ongoing, and interferes with daily life, it could be separation anxiety disorder.
Signs of extreme separation anxiety might include panic attacks, intense fear, frequent nightmares about separation, or physical symptoms like stomach aches. If you notice these patterns lasting for weeks, it’s a good idea to talk to your health care provider, pediatrician, or a child psychologist.
Getting support early and professional help can make a big difference. Asking for additional support can ensure that your child gets the tools they need to feel safe and secure.
Final Thoughts
Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development, and while it can feel overwhelming in the moment at the start of the school season, it usually fades with time and gentle support. The key is to be patient, consistent, and empathetic while giving your child tools and extra support to feel safe and strong.
Whether you’re saying goodbye at the preschool door to young toddlers or navigating another year of back-to-school jitters, the most important thing is to know that you're not alone and your child is capable of growing through this. You’ve got this, and so do they.
